kipani.net
thoughts of the frenzied one
Losing faith.
Nov 29th
I apologize in advance for the overall tone of this post, and the only reason I’m apologizing in advance is so that those who don’t want or care to read can simply skip past it.
I’m finding it very difficult to stay optimistic about anything lately. I’m doing alright in my classes, things are good with Matt, yet I still find myself in one of the lowest ruts I’ve been in in a long time. Things are just horrible, and there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel yet. I know that life isn’t fair, but when so many people around me do all sorts of horrible things yet they reap the rewards of someone who does everything by the book, how am I supposed to keep faith? It gets harder and harder to get out of bed in the mornings, let alone do anything worthwhile or productive. At this point, I’m simply going through the motions of life — simple survival tactic, I suppose. I don’t want to do any more, and I don’t want to do any less.
Normally, I’m a very cheerful person during the holiday season. I love Christmas; all the lights, the music, the general tone. This year? I wish it was over with. I don’t care about any of it. I’m thankful to be alive, and I know the true meaning of Christmas, but I just don’t want to do it this year. I doubt I’ll even do Christmas cards this year, and I picked out some really nice cards to send out this year. My Christmas cheer is null and void. Another sign that my faith is all but gone.
No sign of NOA2 yet. The sad thing is that most people would automatically assume that my depression is because of the situation with Matt, but it’s not. While it’s not helping, it isn’t the whole (or even half) problem.
Anyways, I guess I shouldn’t complain. There are people in the world going through a lot worse than I am. I guess I just needed to complain a little…
Slow days
Nov 8th
It’s probably a good thing I decided to go through with my current schedule instead of trying to get into that photography class, because the photography class is full now. There are two still open, but they would require me to switch my schedule around too much, so things are all settled. I’ve also decided that I’m going to buy an iMac in January, as well, and make that my strict school-home computer. It’s hard to transfer things between a Windows PC and a MacBook, so I’ll have the iMac for school stuff at home, and it will easily transfer to the MacBook for portable purposes. Not to mention, I’m trying to “ween” myself off of Windows, haha.
Weight loss journey is progressing. I’m about 95% back on track as far as counting calories goes. I’m trying to drink more tea and find smaller, healthier snacks to fill up those hunger moments. It’s been good though. I lost 2 pounds this past week, but I’m not back to my lowest weight yet. I’m confident to be there by the end of November, though.
Other than that, I’m just counting down the days until the 19th; that’s when Matt is visiting. Sure, we’ll be super busy all weekend, but it will be good to be able to fall asleep with him again. :)
Mango Madness!
Nov 5th
It’s only in reference to the Snapple flavor I’m trying today. I’ve really been on this kick lately of trying to not drink soda. It works, but every now and then I let myself slip and have a Pepsi or something. It’s all good, though; my weight loss journey has been slow and steady, which can be frustrating at times, but I know that if I lose it too fast, I’ll just end up gaining it all back. I’ve had a lot of good recipe recommendations lately, so I’m buzzing to try them out.
All the school issues have pretty much sorted themselves out. I decided that I’m just going to go with the schedule I have now (with PHI101 in place of the photography course) and just kind of go with the flow. I’ve got finals here in a few weeks, so I’m anxious to get this semester done. I’m doing pretty well in all of my classes, which is always good. Most people finish their AA degrees in two years, but I’m not rushing things. My going to college here in Des Moines allows Matt and I time to save up money after the wedding, and it allows us time to get all the immigration stuff out of the way. If push comes to shove, I’ll just take random classes here and there. It turns out that the only real university in Iowa right now that still has a Japanese language course is University of Iowa, and if you know me, then you know how much I am for the Iowa State Cyclones… so the idea that I might have to go to UofI kinda flips me out. Matt and I have also thought of moving out of Iowa, but we’re not entirely sure where we would go at this point. We’ve considered both Minnesota and Michigan, as well as Massachusetts and Rhode Island, though the latter two were more my thinking than his. I know that his parents would like us to live closer to the border, and my parents, of course, want us to live close to them, so it’s going to be interesting seeing where we go.
The timelines are all a flurry, and we’re looking at a possible approval here in the next few weeks or so, which is very exciting to think about. We’ve been trying to come up with a list of family members that might be able to help co-sponsor him, as I don’t currently have a job. It’s not for a lack of trying, though. I’ve got a couple applications floating around, so we’ll see how things go over the next few months or so. Even if I do get a job, we’re still going to find a co-sponsor, just to play it safe. Better safe than sorry, of course.
Looking forward to November 19th! Matt flies in that day, and even though it’s only for a few days, I’m very much looking forward to it. After that, I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again, because I’m sure that the next time we see each other will be when I fly up there for his interview, which is an idea that I’m still getting used to. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll go through with it, but I am scared to death of getting on an airplane by myself… or at all, for that matter.
All I have to say now is: YAY YANKEES! :)
And that’s just how it goes.
Nov 1st
Well, even with switching some things around, they couldn’t get me into that photography course. Apparently, there’s a waiting list. There’s a shadow’s chance I might be able to get into it after the 9th, but I’m not holding my breath. So here’s how it’s looking for me next semester:
Tuesday:
11:15 – 12:40 PHI101 Introduction to Philosophy
12:50 – 2:15 LIT101 Introduction to Literature
6:30 – 9:30 MUS100 Music Appreciation
Thursday:
11:15 – 12:40 PHI101 Introduction to Philosophy
12:50 – 2:15 LIT101 Introduction to Literature
6:30 – 9:30 MUS202 World Music
I can’t really complain, I suppose. If I get lucky enough to get into the photo course, I’ll have to decide which class I’m dropping. I can’t take any more than that, and it was a pain to get them all on Tuesday and Thursday to begin with. I just figure, 2 days of school missed is better than 5 when it comes time to fly to Toronto/Montreal for Matt’s interview.
Oh, and in mentioning that, I should also mention that it’s looking like we might get our approval within the next few weeks (barring no RFE’s, of course) so that would be amazing. What would be even more amazing is if we got it while he was here/on our 4 year anniverary. :) I’m super excited, though! What’s even better is the fact that Montreal is moving. What’s this mean? It means that they are actually giving out interview dates at a good rate, so here’s to hoping!
Here’s some irony for you. Most of my friends know what an Apple geek I am. I posted about this a few days ago in my Livejournal, but I figured I’d update while I’m here. Long story short is that I made a comment about “breaking up with Windows” while taking to Matt, and not a little while later, my computer died on me. I bought an external harddrive and managed to save every ounce of data, but it was a long 72 hours of downloading and backing up and reinstalling and such. It’s done now, thankfully; just a few random things here and there to get still, but I’m fully functional. I bought the adapter to hook my MacBook up to my HD monitor, and now my computer setup is starting to get under way. I’ll post a few pics once I’m done. It’s not the greatest thing in the world, but I’m enjoying it and I think it looks awesome already.
Can’t believe it’s November already. BAH! I should go do my laundry and finish up my room, haha. Procrastination at it’s finest!!!
Advice… support… or a straight jacket.
Oct 27th
Why does it always seem like my education is at the forefront of all my problems lately? Hadn’t I just decided to go with the English major? Well, it’s drudged back up once more. I went to register for my spring courses, only to find out that my backup of photography, which I had planned to minor in at UNI, was a no go. Why? Because I’m not in that major. Seriously. So, I could go through the hassle of getting permission from the professor or just switch my major, seeing as (to be quite honest) I only switched to English because, well… hey, in this economy, wouldn’t you want to choose something that would almost guarantee you employment in the future?
Creativity has always been my shtick. The way I describe it is like this: I don’t look at something and think “Oh, it’s just a *insert object here*”, I look at it and think “Hey, with this kind of lighting or position, *insert object here* could look really awesome!”. When I sit outside, I see a canvas and it makes me wish I had my camera. So why is it so hard for me to just admit that I’m probably meant for this line of work? Maybe I’m afraid of reaching for my full potential. Maybe I’m afraid of people thinking “Oh well she’s just taking the easy way out.” or “That’s not really a line of work that will get you much money.”, because we all know that what people think means more to me than what I think. Maybe I’m actually afraid that I’ll be good at it; that I’ll actually succeed.
Could it really and truly be that I’m afraid of success?
Falling down, but getting back up again.
Oct 18th
I’ve started about a million blog posts in the last week or so, but I always end up scrapping it before I finish for whatever reason. It would appear that things are still a bit shaky on my roller coaster of life, but all I can do is just keep going.
In my weight loss journey, I ended up gaining the last two weeks. 2 lbs each week, however, I don’t think this was strictly because of my eating habits. I am female, after all; I’ll let you figure it out. So yeah. I’m counting calories a little more cautiously now, and we’ll see what happens with it.
There’s been no change in the immigration front. We’re still (anxiously) awaiting NOA2. We’re both looking forward to the 19th of November, however, since that’s the day that he’s flying down here. We decided to get actual engagement pictures done, so we’ve got that scheduled for the Saturday while he’s here. Coincidentilly, that’s also our 4 year anniversary, so we’ll be going to dinner and such after that.
I made a pretty big change to myself lately. I decided that I wanted something new and fresh, and thus…
BEFORE
AFTER
I chopped 11 inches off of my hair and donated it to Locks of Love. :)
Other than that, things are by no means great, but I’m surviving. I’ve got midterms this week, so it might be awhile before I post again. I hope you all have a safe Halloween! And since I’ve been promising a picture of my Shih Tzu ….
He says “Happy Halloween”, too! :)
More awesome news!
Oct 1st
Before I left Canada, Matt’s mother said that they might be willing to purchase a plane ticket for him to come and visit me for Christmas. I told her thanks, but that it was so small of a chance that they’d let him in (or so I thought) that it probably wouldn’t end up working. Well, after much research, it’s no more ‘risky’ during this whole process than normal; they just might ask him a lot more questions and such, but if he shows ties to Canada (he’s got a return ticket and a letter from his employer stating he has to be at work on Monday, PLUS it’s only for a few days) then he should be fine. He and I talked, and I went ahead and sent facebook messages to his parents asking if that would be something they’d still be interested in doing, and his dad sent me a message back asking how much we needed for the ticket, and then told me that we’d have to wait until next week to buy it!!
I get to see Matt next month, and the best thing about it is that it’s over the weekend of our 4 year anniversary! I could NOT be anymore excited right now! I’m going to take lots of pictures, and we’re going to have a great weekend! I can’t wait!!!
Goals reached!
Oct 1st
This won’t be a long post, but I just wanted to mention something that’s happened to me today that reminded me how some of my goals are actually getting accomplished.
I had my weekly weigh-in this morning, and….
I HIT MY FIRST GOAL!
I’ve been pretty steady on my weight loss journey for about a month now. I’ve learned to make small goals leading up to my big goal (165 lbs) and I hit my first goal today! When I started, I decided that my goal was to lose 10 lbs. I lost 7 lbs in my first week, but then I hit my first plateau (so soon, I know…) and I maintained for two weeks. Last week, I dropped below a certain number(which I’m still not ready to reveal, though I’m slowly working through it), which wasn’t so much a goal, but it made me giddy inside, and then this week, I stepped on that scale and VOILA! 10 lbs lost!
I can’t begin to tell you how amazing I felt all day long. I did decide, after weigh in, to treat myself to Starbucks. I figured I deserved it for hitting a goal. Well, I managed to treat myself AND stay on my diet plan. How is this? Well, I went in there, thinking about how I wanted to get a vanilla bean frappaccino, and then realized I didn’t have enough cash on me, so I ended up settling with a Tazo Passion Iced Tea. I got a tall, because I had never tried it before, and I figured that, if I didn’t like it, a tall wouldn’t be that bad to just finish off without thinking. Turns out that I absolutely LOVE it, and I ended up treating myself to another after class, only this time, it was venti. Now, that may sound bad for my diet, but I did my research. Upon finding out that I loved this new tea, I looked up the number of calories in it, thinking I’d found yet another delicious drink that I wouldn’t be able to have often. Tall = 60 calories. My venti? 130!!!! That’s enough to make me hunt down this tea and drink it like it’s going out of style!
So, yes. Today has been a relatively wonderful day. I hit a goal, and I made a new one: 10 more lbs… but in half the time! So, hopefully, I can hit goal in 2 weeks. I plan to step up my exercising plan starting this weekend, since Wii Fit Plus is being released, and we’ll see how it goes. If I hit it, great! If I don’t, then I’m not going to let myself get discouraged; I’m going to just keep going. I have some great motivational inspiration, too: here! These 7 people are real — not some Hollywood paid thing — and they are AMAZING. I’m so, so glad I found them. :)
Well, that’s all for me. My homework is done, and my air conditioner has decided to not make the weird squeaking noise tonight, so I’m heading to sleep! Here’s to another 10 lbs!!!! :) Take care!
Life’s little joys…
Sep 29th
Well, I had planned on typing up an entry last night, but then I looked at the clock and realized that it was nearly 2 AM, and opted for the smarter choice of going to bed instead. I suppose tonight is no better, though at least I decided I wanted to post before 2 AM, and it’s only 11:30. :)
Things are settling nicely into a routine in my life. I wake up, get ready for school, go to school, come home, do my dailies on World of Warcraft, do my homework (if I have any), have dinner and then enjoy my evening talking to Matt. The only nights where this is different, during the week that is, is Mondays and Wednesdays, and that’s because I have group stuff on WoW, but then I’m in a casual guild, so it’s not always set in stone. It’s a nice routine, to be honest. I’m not bogged down with things that I couldn’t easily switch around, and it gives me time to relax and just be me for awhile.
On the immigration front, things are quieter than the Sahara at midnight. I’m not sure how quiet that is, but I’d think it would be fairly silent. The Vermont service center has, apparently, started churing out approvals for people that filed in July and August, but unfortunately, I’m not at the VSC. I am confident that we should hear something before the end of the year though. I really hope things work out so that I don’t have to miss any school to fly up there for the interview, but I will, if necessary. I’m still working on those flying issues, but I think that it’s going to be one of those “leap before you look” things, where I’m just going to have to.. well, leap.
I hit a goal with my weight loss last week. I’m still not very kosher with displaying my weight, but I wanted to be under a certain number, and I managed to get under that number. I can almost guarantee that I’ve gained this week, though, but I’m not going to let it deter me. I have a lot of neat ideas for food, and I just have to wait until Friday so I can go buy things. I’m also picking up the new Wii Fit Plus this weekend, too, so hopefully that will help out more than the metal DDR pad I bought did. I still wonder why I bought it, but then I realize that I’d probably use it more if I had the space. I’m looking forward to when Matt and I get our own place, which is another thing I’ll talk about in this entry, because then I will make sure I have room to play it. :)
My big news, though, is that I’ve made a decision about my schooling! I had decided that I was going to enter into UNI in the fall of 2010 and major in English. Well, after much thought and planning with my mother, I had a bit of a reality check that slammed into me — “Hey, lady! You’re going to get married at the end of July, and then move in the middle of August and start school at the end of August. Are you delusional?” So yeah. Things had to be re-thought. I decided that I’m going to continue at DMACC until the Fall of 2011, and then start at UNI then. That gives Matt and I enough time to get his status all switched around and for both of us to get some kind of employment. We’re also hoping that our honeymoon will fall nicely during Christmas break of 2010, in which case we will be flying (eek! yeah, there’s that word again…) to Hawai’i for it. It’s something we’re both looking forward to, so hopefully it’ll all work out for us.
Other than that, like I said, things are relatively calm around here. I’m hoping that they stay that way, and that things will continue to go smoothly with school and all that. I hope you all are well!
I seriously just looked at the time…
Sep 23rd
I probably shouldn’t be posting right now. My eyelids are drooping shut as I type this, but I just wanted to throw updates at those that actually read this.
Things have been a little shaky as of lately. It’s been quite a roller coaster ride since my last post. If you remember, I talked about the whole visa process, and I’m happy to say that we got our NOA1 in the mail on the 21st. We probably won’t hear anything more until around December, and hopefully that will be an approval notice and not a request for more evidence. I really wish that I had thought of keeping all of that stuff, but I didn’t. I also made the decision to take an airplane to Toronto for his interview (even though his interview is in Montreal; I’ll just stay with him until we go there for it) and so I’ve been trying to get used to this idea. I’m scared to death of planes, but I try to tell myself, at least once a day: “airplanes are safer to travel in than cars”. Whether this will actually help in the end, who knows? We’ll just have to wait and see. Like I’ve stated previously, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get him here.
School has been another one of those loops. My classes are going alright, though I did fairly bad on a sociology test, but in retrospect, I had a lot going on, and I probably could have studied a bit more than I did, so naturally I take responsibility for it. The loop comes with what I plan to do. I’ve talked about transferring to University of Northern Iowa next year, but I haven’t yet cemented what it is I plan to do. Right now, it’s looking like I’m going to be majoring in English, and probably minoring in something completely random. I’m not sure if I want to teach English, though, but it’s definitely a plan of action. I do worry about making this decision and then changing my mind. I tend to do that — need I recall the whole network technician/webdesign fiasco up in Canada? Sure, I got a diploma out of it, but I’m kind of disappointed in myself. Matt says “Get sticky notes and use them to tell yourself not to change your mind!”, which is a great idea… but I still worry.
Wedding plans are going…. about as good as they can, considering the immigration stuff. Family is pretty good, too. I need to stop procrastinating and post pictures of my puppy and all that. I have them on my facebook, but not everyone is on my facebook list, haha.
Well, I need to get some sleep as I have a math test tomorrow… (and I’m so thrilled about this…)